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JULY 25, 2008 – A FEW NOTES ON FIRST DATES

First dates are a lot like traffic stops. You are walking into the potentially lethal unknown and you never get a second chance at a first impression. You must always approach with extreme caution. The subject may appear to be a single soccer mom on the way to the Coffee Bean for muffin tops and non-fat lattes, but looks can lie.

Have your weapon at the ready and easily accessible but not out in plain sight. You don’t want to scare the subject into making a stupid move that ends up hurting the both of you in the end. Approach from the rear of the vehicle with your body at an angle, preferably 45 degrees to the driver.

As you get nearer, and the subject comes into view, begin an immediate visual assessment:

Do the luxurious blonde locks begin with grey roots? She’s not really 28.
Are there slight hairline scars behind the ears? Already had a facelift.
Is there a partially exposed breast tattoo of an angel sitting on a crescent moon or a butterfly? Hippie or a folk singer…
A few illegible letters in faded blue ink on the left hand where the thumb and forefinger meet? She’s spent time in Juvi.
A tattoo of a single teardrop under one eye, barely visible under too much Avon concealer? She’s done hard time.

Once you have made your cursory visual assessment and gotten a rough idea of who she is vs. who she wants you to think she is, engage her verbally. A simple, polite, yet firm greeting will suffice: ‘Good evening’. A curt response is a pretty good indicator that your encounter may not go as smoothly as you had hoped. Press on.

Ask a question: ‘Do you know why I stopped you?’ People love to talk about themselves and this will take the focus off you and allow you time to think of your next verbal attack.

‘Where are you headed in such a hurry tonight? This simple question and subsequent follow-ups will reveal volumes.

Here are some examples:

Subject states she is en route to a nearby TGI McThirstys:

‘Yes, I’m fond of their ribblets. Meeting the girls for a few wine spritzers or perhaps your husband/boyfriend?’

Subject states she is en route to pick up her children at the sitters:

‘How many kids do you have? Dad’s not in the picture, huh? That must be very difficult being a single mother. How old did you say they were?’

Subject states she is en route to the grocery store:

‘Such a large SUV must hold enough groceries to feed a family of 10. How many kids do you have?’ Or, ‘Such a large SUV to hold one little bag? That’s gotta hurt at the pump. Does your husband pump the gas?’ Or, ‘What’s on the menu tonight? Do you like Indian food?’ You’re not a vegetarian, are you?’

Subject states she is en route to the local hospital to read and sing to the sick children:

‘That’s a bad part of town, would you like a police escort? Come to think of it, I play a little harmonica myself and the Departments always looking for new PR opportunities, maybe we could get together for coffee and work on a few number together? You know, for the Kids?’

While engaged in the interrogation/conversation, it is imperative to stay just behind the driver at the afore mentioned 45 degree angle. This will allow you to stay in a protected, offensive, power position. Never expose your chest parallel to the subject. Kevlar can only protect your heart and other internal organs from so much.

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