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Hey. I’m back. Yeah, I know, it’s been awhile. My SBPD issued laptop went belly up last February 15th at 10:58 pm and it’s taken 154 days to get a new one. I swear, it takes 5 pounds worth of paperwork to get anything done around here. They must cut down four sequoias a day to meet the demand for all the forms we go through. I haven’t even bothered filling out the medical forms for my carpal tunnel. That would just feed a viscous cycle.

Need a box of pens? 6 different, time wasting forms. I kid you not. Then, once the paperwork has been filled out and filed with all the proper levels of desk jockeys, it’ll take 6-8 weeks to get the pens. We finally just started bringing in our own toilet paper. I’m sure you can imagine why.

Good luck getting them to pay for anything over 50 bucks. You should see the Crown Vic these days. It’s getting a little long in the tooth. O’Hara jumped in the passenger seat the other day and there was a broken spring poking through it. Tore a hole in her brand new skirt. I have never heard such ugly words from such a pretty face. (Not that I think of O’Hara as pretty. I think of her as the other person in the car with a Glock 17. I’m just saying I guess she would be considered pretty in the eyes of a civilian person…if you like that sort of thing.)

As I was saying about the cruiser, I’ve been complaining to the guys in the motor pool about the lights for over two years. They weren’t bright enough (the lights, not the motor pool guys). The color was faded, they didn’t flash in the proper sequence and half the time they were missing altogether. How long does it take to remove and fix a police light? Apparently a very long time if you’ve arrested one of the motor pool guy’s cousins.

At one point they handed me a magnetic red gumball light circa ’78. You slap it on the roof and plug it into the cigarette lighter, preferably while completing a hubcap losing u-turn. This would have been fine except for the fact that I am neither Starsky nor Hutch, and the cigarette lighter doesn’t work. Plus, it made me look like a Fire Chief. I’m pretty sure they hate me.

Yesterday, O’Hara brought soy macha lattes and homemade muffins to all the motor pool guys. Today we had brand new lights: Strobe headlights, flashing sapphire & rubies in the grill and on the visor. They are beautiful. O’Hara is a genius. Plus, it turns out that one of the motor pool guys is actually a motor pool GAL (the coveralls did nothing for her). I just sent her deadbeat ex-boyfriend to Pelican Bay for attempted murder. Now she doesn’t have to bother with the restraining order. Nice people, doing nice things.

Anyway, not much has been going on since my last blog entry. I painted my house, not that I’m presently staying there. Victoria said she wanted something “less drab.” Considering I’m still paying on the BMW lease from the last time I heard that, a few weekends on a ladder is a small price to pay.

I got a new holster for the 9mm. It’s a sweet custom made rig, black on black, double shoulder strap, holds two clips. Leather like butter. It’s pretty much exactly like my old one but V. ran it through the washer – and dryer – when I was over to paint. Honest mistake.

Oh, I fired my weapon on each of my four last cases. I’ll be seeing a department head shrinker tomorrow. She better bring her ‘A’ game. Nice to be back.

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