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The holidays have always been a perfect storm from a law enforcement standpoint. The officers with families are usually off duty, which includes Chief Vick, so really, the only ones around are the bachelors and the guys who lost the Christmas shift lottery — basically lonely losers and me, and I’m the ranking officer.

And that’s just the chestnuts on the open fire inside the SBPD; around town it’s even more merry. You see, the holidays are a time of petty theft and minor larceny and various other itty-bitty incidents of criminal malfeasance that typically comes out this time of year. Usually drunk (often literally) on yuletide whatever, these stockingcapped reprobates take advantage of the community’s holiday spirit by knocking over liquor stores, shoplifting the Target and wreaking their own style of havoc on Santa Barbara. And it’s for this reason the good people of this town are fortunate I’m not married or otherwise encumbered so I can make it my business to bring down these idiots wherever and whenever they strike. Just think of me as Santa Claus, except I carry a badge and my bag is full of small-time hoods, wannabe thugs and the chronically unemployed, out to pinch an X-Box for their overstimulated offspring.

It truly is the most wonderful time of the year, and I have many happy memories of holiday busts from the past and of course I can relate a few, since you’re asking:

December 24, 2002
I pulled a green SUV over for speeding, only to learn the unlicensed, uninsured driver had just ripped off a butter sculpture from a local cafeteria and was rushing to get it put on ice for his own office party, which was being held in the office of a lawnmower repair shop that didn’t belong to him or anyone he knew. Charges: speeding, theft, trespassing, possession of stolen butter sculpture.

December 23, 2005
Brought in a male and a female, apprehended after repeated reports of traffic jams around town. Turns out these two were decorating trees in the greenbelt areas aside various freeway onramps: lights, garland, and a nativity scene populated by fake snowmen. They claimed they were exercising a constitutional right to beautify public spaces. They narrowly avoided terrorism charges. Charges: possession of a controlled substance, traffic obstruction, unnecessary beautification.

December 24, 2006
Arrested six ‘carolers’ wandering an affluent suburb, then ringing doorbells and singing while three more of them snuck in a back door and ripped off whatever they could get their grubby little hands on. A pretty good little racket, I’ll admit, which is more than I can say for their version of ‘Good King Wenceslas’. Charges: Burglary, Breaking and Entering, First Degree Tuneslaughter

December 22, 2008
Nailed a knucklehead fleeing the scene of a break-in at a local jewelry store. Surveillance footage revealed him taking an assortment of rings. Five of them. When we searched his apartment our suspicions were confirmed. We found four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in some kind of tree. I’m guessing it was pear. Charges: Burglary, possession of stolen fowl.

December 23, 2009
The Santa Claus float in the local Christmas parade was doing a good bit of weaving on the parade route, so I did what anyone with a Masters in Criminal Justice and ten years on the force would do: I pulled the float over. I thought his driving was bad, but it was nothing compared to his walking, which was every which way but straight. I had McNab drive the rest of the route while I hauled him in. Charges: Driving while Intoxicated, Reckless endangerment

I like to think that keeping the streets safe is a gift I give the community, not just on Christmas, but every day of the year. It’s not something I advertise, of course, my job is to serve and protect, not promote myself. I’m not Spencer, after all. But I have found, year after year, I’m rewarded Christmas morning with a jail cell full of mouth-breathing morons, each of whom are lumps of coal in Santa Barbara’s collective stocking. And that’s how I know I’ve been a good little cop.

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