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AUGUST 11, 2006 – I NEED A HOBBY … BEFORE SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS

“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”

So typed Jack Nicholson about 10,000 times in The Shining … somewhere between drinking highballs with a ghost and sinking an axe into the chest of Scatman Crothers.

Now there was a man who needed a hobby.

By the way, last year, Chief Fenich and I played a round with ‘Jack’ and Mr. T in a Charity Golf Tournament for the Policeman’s Benevolent Association. Nice guy. Hell of a short game.

Apparently, he’s got a house up here.

Jack, not Mr. T. I’m not sure where Mr. T lives … but I digress.

My point is everyone needs to have a little fun in their life. I don’t care who you are, if you don’t allow yourself to blow off a little steam now and then you’ll end up in a padded cell, having conversations with your pet moth and molding chess pieces out of your own feces. Although, I guess that could be considered a hobby of sorts.

Now I’ve never been considered the mellowest of men. My shoulders are so sloped with tension that I have to have my suits made. Nothing will fit me off the rack. It used to drive Antonio, my tailor, nuts every time I’d walk into his shop:

“Carlton, what I tell-a you? You gonna end up with-a you shoulders around-a you ears. You gotta learn-a to-a relax? Here, have a Sambuca.”

Of course, he was right. Not about the Sambuca. I knew the key to lowering my wardrobe budget and my blood pressure couldn’t be found in a few shots of a tasty licorice-flavored aperitif.

I knew I needed to find a hobby. I needed to find some fun. But what?

Fun means different things to different people.

Antonio? He loves Square Dancing. My 10-year-old nephew in Jersey makes movies on his computer. My mom used to knit little sweaters for all the dogs in the neighborhood. When she ran out of dogs she moved on the cats. That didn’t go over so well. But the point wasn’t to keep cats warm. It was to have fun.

You never know what’s going to float someone’s boat. I see into a lot of people’s private lives, usually after they’ve become a victim or made themselves a suspect. I see their garages and cars and dens and while I walk around trying to figure out how their house became my crime scene, I often get a glimpse into who they really are/were.

The 350-pound power lifter who made paper dolls.

The janitor who painted amazing sunsets.

The bank teller still collecting Barbies.

The surgeon restoring a ’69 Camero SS.

I see crimes committed by people who probably could have stood to do a little knitting or dancing or painting themselves. Of course any Defense Lawyer who’s reading this is saying: “Yes! Of Course! Slasher didn’t collect stamps when he was a kid. It’s not his fault he killed those 10 people.”

Don’t be an idiot.

I’m just saying that maybe if Jack spent a little more time sledding with Shelly and Scatman, he wouldn’t have ended up freezing to death in a hedge maze. Of course, then the movie would have sucked. Or at the very least, needed a Christmas release.

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